Archives: February 2004
Friday, February 27, 2004
Spent Thursday evening with Kreestof. He was up in White Plains painting his old place before he turns over the key, and asked if I wanted to keep him company while he painted, because alone isn't so much fun. I agreed, though pointed out that I had no transport, as PreZ takes the car on Thursday evenings to go to bowling, so he offered to pick me up instead. As he was going to pick me up I invited him to have dinner too, seeing as I had to cook dinner anyway, so one more wouldn't be an issue, and I know that he probably didn't have much in the way of cooking stuff left at his old place.
Had dinner, and then went back to his place, where we chattered away about all and sundry as he painted. We also did some alcoholic-mother talking as well, as both having one means we can bounce all kinds of experiences off each other, things that you might only "get" as someone dealing with it.
It sounds exclusionary, and I'm sure plenty of people probably wonder about it, but some things aren't understood (well) by those who haven't dealt with it. It's hard for some people to understand that in some cases you can't help people, especially not if they don't want to be helped, that in some cases cutting contact and not dealing with it is a desirable option etc. There seems to be a perception that you need to retain a relationship with a parent, or keep trying to help someone. Well, when faced with this situation, the one thing you learn, or should, is that you can't help the unwilling, which can sometimes lead to fairly brutal consequences or actions, ones that are oft not understood or misunderstood by "outsiders". You need to learn when enough is enough, and when you need to start looking out for your own sanity and wellbeing, and cutting the toxic people out of your life.
PreZ picked me up after he was finished bowling, and we just watched some History channel... and now it's bed time :)
@ 02:31 AM EST
So earlier this week I put in an order for yoga mats and bags. The bags are larger than the average mat bag, capable of holding more stuff, so they can also double as karate bags. I also ordered a new navel barbell which should fit properly this time, and as such not get in the way when exercising. Earlier in the week I bought Brita sports bottles, which filter water, so we can put tap water in and get non-disgusting water out, and not have to constantly pay loads for mineral water. And today I mailed away my order for a pair of yoga shorts and shirt. Hopefully within the next week or so most of that will arrive.
I still need to go find a (few?) sports bras that I can wear when exercising, and some tshirts to wear under the karate gi, and order a 10-trip trainticket online... they come at a discount if you buy them online, and are cheaper than regular train tickets as it is, which is good and I'll be needing about 2 per month to get into the city for karate. I also need to look into new/extra towels for working out... we're going to need 2 each for bikram yoga, one for on the mat and one for personal drying, and I might have to get one or two extra each. If we're going to be exercising frequently, I don't want to run out of clean towels, nor have to wash every day after we exercise.
The actual karate gi and the hand and shin padding come with the new member registration I believe, so I won't need to get that, which is good.
And so we're almost ready to get started. I'm feeling good about this, even though I'm a bit nervous about stuffing up with the karate and making an ass of myself. But I'm more fed up of being out of shape... and being in shape again will be a really good thing. I've been reading up more and more about yoga, and I'm pretty psyched about it, I've been wanting to get into it for quite some time now.
@ 02:10 AM EST
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
I guess in regards to my mother and her problems, there's a definite end that we've arrived to at the moment. Of course things have not been going well for the past several years, rather steadily worse, up til the point that I broke off contact in August last year.
The most recent bout of activity surrounding this was triggered by a reconciliation attempt on her part, which was insincere. I have but one requirement, and that's no more alcohol, ever again. Severe, but the lessons learned and the disappointments I've dealt with in the past few years mean that it's become a necessity, because it's become obvious that nothing else will work. It's become clear over the past years that alcohol is the #1 thing in her life, and today that was illustrated most clearly, when in response to a question from a friend whether she chose alcohol over a good relationship with her daughter and sons, she said yes. I shouldn't be surprised, I knew in my heart it was true, based on what I've seen over the years, but it still kind of hurts when it's actually openly confessed to.
And that I suppose is that. The story will continue, no doubt, but the intentions have been made clear, and I won't play second fiddle to a bottle of booze. Now all we get to do is watch her destroy herself.
@ 01:59 AM EST
Monday, February 23, 2004
So late this afternoon we headed off to the Palisades mall, because PreZ desperately needed new underwear in the worst way. Finally we managed to come across relatively nice underwear that wasn't hideously expensive, and not white. Why women get to have underwear in all colours, and for guys it's about 85% white and about 13% idiotic colours or plaids or things that would be downright embarrassing to have seen by people of the interested sex, I'll never understand. But he has 10 new pairs, which should last him for a while.
We also got him swimming trunks, for that one swim a year he has on July 4th ;) and a pair of sports shorts and a very light weight sports t-shirt with little holes in it, which will give him coverage, but not make him super hot either, like most cotton t-shirts do. That stuff will be what he gets to wear when we go to yoga. And we also found some nice black short sleeve button down shirts, so he has 2 nice shirts for summer. After that we headed over to Circuit City to turn a gift card we'd gotten for Christmas into some electronics, and we picked up a cheap Panasonic dvd player. So now we can actually watch dvd's in the living room, rather than just on the computers.
After that we were pretty much out of time as the stores all started to close, so I didn't get a chance to look around for anything for myself clothing wise. I still have a gift card to redeem at Victoria's Secret, so I'll be back eventually, no doubt. We had dinner at Chilis and headed home. Tested out the new dvd player with the first Harry Potter movie.
The other day we also worked out what sporting schedule would work. Which sport had the best session times on which days and would be best for us to do when. So we've managed to pencil in ideal days for 2 karate (kyokushin) lessons, and 2 yoga (bikram) lessons a week. This is pretty much our "new year's resolution", the old faithful 'get fitter/lose weight' one. He promised me once that if I went with him to karate, he'd go with me to yoga, hence the two sports.
Now I need to organise some sports wear of my own, and some other gear, like sticky mats and we should be good to go. I'm not sure if we're going to start with both at the same time, I'm leaning towards doing a month of karate before we add yoga into the mix, because I just think that considering our fitness levels are zero, starting it all at once will make us wish we were dead. I'm sure karate will do that to us initially anyway, as we try and convert our lazy asses into a more active lifestyle. The bikram yoga I'm really intruiged by though, as you do it in high heat (something like 90-105F), which makes it aerobic, and also better for the joints and muscles. Amusingly enough last week on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy they took the straight guy to bikram yoga too, he seemed to dig it. I thought it was cool to see, because other than a clip on a local news station once, I'd never actually seen a bikram class in action, only read descriptions. So that was nifty.
The concept of the karate class still kinda scares me. I'm just worried I'll make an ass of myself, especially when doing those yells with the punches and stuff. Yes, I get worried over inane and unimportant things like that. It's not so much screwing up, as screwing up in front of a large group of people.
@ 01:02 AM EST
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Dear Lilith,
I recently came upon your beautiful website and i am deeply flattered that you should name it after one of my songs!
Paul
from Big Electric Cat
Probably one of the coolest emails I could ever get :)
Colour me deeply flattered that someone from a band that I love would even find my site, let alone send me an email about it.
@ 01:23 AM EST
Saturday, February 21, 2004
It's been a while since I updated here, though my LJ did receive regular updates.
I've got a few pending site design things going on. One for a commission, and of course there's always several to do for myself, mostly redesigns as I've mentioned before in earlier updates.
A large part of the past 3 weeks has been fairly quiet, re-watched the Pride and Prejudice miniseries twice, the second time mostly because I saw the 1940 movie and needed to get that adaptation out of my head because it's so unlike the book.
Spoke with my brother who mentioned he might want to come over for Christmas again this year, which would be really cool. I did tell him to consider postponing for a few months to come next summer, that way the weather would be so much nicer and allow for more excursions and outdoors activities and such.
February 13th, Friday, was Cherie's birthday. Because PreZ was insanely busy doing stuff for work until well into the evening I took Kreestof along with me instead to Cherie's birthday celebration. Originally we were supposed to go swing dancing, but that was cancelled and we ended up in some strange café instead, where all the tables were set into their own little caves in the wall, which was cool. Afterwards we went to a bar and met up with a few more people... pool, chit-chat and all that fun stuff until the night ended. It was nice to be able to get out of the house, and nice to have someone accompany me even though PreZ unfortunately couldn't make it.
That Sunday we went to Central Park for a Goth ice skating outing, with the Outings list. Cherie showed up late, as usual ;) which wouldn't have been so annoying if it hadn't been something like -3141 degrees outside. It was really *REALLY* cold. Skating was fun though, and we met some new people as well as getting to know a few other people better, whom I'd known mostly by sight before. Coffees afterwards before everyone went their seperate ways.
And this past Monday my mother sent me an email, expressing that she missed me so, and wanted to have contact again. This of course kicked off a whole new saga of Family Shite... more
@ 08:39 PM EST
Saturday, February 7, 2004
Just doing a bit of a look around, playing around with the css tutorial idea myself, and immediately I stumble over all kinds of stuff that's stuff I don't know, feel I should know etc. And with all the little things that look handy too look into I hit information overload and it just ends up frustrating me.
It doesn't help that PreZ is playing stand-up comedy routines which are fun to listen to, but isn't something I can concentrate to very well. Music I'm mostly fine with, because I can kind of block that out on a concious level and just have it playing in the background. Stand-up comedy isn't as easy to block out. Ah well.
@ 11:57 PM EST
Ugh. I'm a bit peeved. I ordered new body jewelry, and while the new barbell for the industrial is a great fit, the curved barbell for the navel is not, and I can't return it. Even though I measured and such beforehand, and it didn't seem like it would be an issue, actually having it in makes it glaringly obvious.
And glaringly obvious that I really should go to karate. God I'm so out of shape, and I'm fed up with being out of shape and not entirely happy with the current state of my physique. The thought of the first weeks of torture are still not appealing though... I remember it well from when I started doing aerobics/fitness with a friend of mine numerous years ago... several weeks of agony before it didn't feel so much like torture and my fitness levels went up. So still kind of debating.
As for the jewelry, I'm awaiting a response about a question I had, and then I think I'm going to have to order a new piece >_< one that does fit properly. Though if I do it right, I'll be able to have different interchangeable end balls, and only one barbell bar spare. So not as bad as it could be. Still a waste though... oh well.
Sleep came fairly difficult last night with all kinds of thoughts about that CSS tutorial site running through my head, so I might just do that. It also looks like I'll be doing 2 sites for friends soon, which is interesting and always good for a challenge. So stuffage to do soon, which is good. And now I really need to start working on a new design for the main personal page, whilst I have the time still.
@ 01:22 AM EST
Friday, February 6, 2004
So no awkward telephone calls the past two days, which is good.
Last night I also had an interesting discussion with a relatively new friend, someone who also suffered through an alcoholic parent. Her father was diagnosed with Korsakov a number of years ago, which, if I remember correctly, is an illness inflicted (triggered?) by severe/longterm alcoholism. Not exactly the most cheerful discussion, but it's nice to talk to people who've dealt with the things you have, and who share(d) similar frustrations about things.
On another note, I've been considering putting together a CSS tutorial on my site. To explain how I did the stuff on my site. Mainly as that seems to be the thing I keep showing people, telling people (how) to do, explaining etc. Having it written down in one place so I can refer people there might be handy.
Almost the weekend again. PreZ is working from home tomorrow, as he did today. Handy seeing as the weather is set to turn to shite again. But I must remember to harrass him into helping me with the htaccess stuff, and movable type. And in the meanwhile I need to come up with a design.
@ 12:49 AM EST
Wednesday, February 4, 2004
February 4th, which is my mother's birthday. And thus a day to avoid the phone, just in case she decides to get sentimental and tries to contact me, which I'm not in the mood for. Still.
Too much bullshit to just forgive. And at present I'm just not in the mood even for her to start grovelling or making whatever attempts at re-establishing contact. Things are still too fresh for that. And in other areas it's still too much early days for that as well, which reminds me that I need to avail myself of the current domestic status, and start tapping a few other sources for information about various related things and recent events that should have taken place.
@ 04:27 AM EST
Tuesday, February 3, 2004
I feel cranky for no particular reason, which is kind of annoying in and of itself. Hence at the moment some of the idiot newbs on net.goth are feeling some wrath.
I got through most of the fanlisting applications that had accumulated over the past week or so, and also filed away a bunch of receipts that were lying around as well as getting rid of some of the dust build up on desks in the orifices behind computer monitors and some vaccuuming. Small accomplishments. Now I need to clear up some stuff in the kitchen, fold away some laundry and tackle this disaster on my desk, which I still haven't gotten around to. Argh.
I hate this mess, yet for some reason all kinds of silly things get in the way of me actually tackling it, or I just forget and do something else. I need to work on my concentration... without realising it I'll start doing something else and leave the first thing half done, and do the same to that second thing, and then find that I have like an unfinished email, some unfinished posts and responses and some random other things all half done yet none finished... like the box of receipts on the floor. My time management sucks, and laziness and lethargy is getting the better of me. Which I abhor.
Anyway, off to deal with some more of the crap before PreZ gets home.
@ 07:19 PM EST
Monday, February 2, 2004
Saturday morning probably ranks as one of the worst I ever had, and I hope I never wake up that way again.
Initially I thought it was just a horrible dream, because I was just waking up, but I awoke to the worst pain I've felt in my life. A combination between indigestion and feeling as though the lower half of your ribcage is being crushed in a vise. I know how nuts in a nutcracker feel now. Your insides hurt, your outside hurts, the muscles hurt, moving in any position hurts, breathing hurts and it felt like my diaphragm was cramping up. It's real fun stuff. And you occasionally feel like you need to throw up too. It subsided and flared up again about 10 minutes later. Sometime after that it subsided again, and other than a wave of nausea it did not come back in the hours after.
It really felt as though I had Xena Onatopp, Famke Janssen's character in 007's Golden Eye squeezing my ribcage.
Because it went away again within half an hour I didn't go to the ER, but I'm definitely calling a doctor tomorrow and going in for answers and a look over, because this was nasty and quite scary. Obviously if it recurrs before then, then I'll be dropping by the Westchester Medical Center posthaste.
Thankfully the rest of the day I was fine, the ribcage was a tad sore earlier in the afternoon but that also went away later. After that I made a bunch of stuff for our impending visitors. The evening before I made vegan pumpkin cookies which are so easy to make, and so very yummy. That afternoon I made fresh beef & vegetable soup, and also spicy dal (lentils) & carrot soup which I'd tweaked for the vegans.
The only people at our gathering were Tom and Karen. Kit and Cherie had to work, Kreestof was still moving his stuff to Long Island, which took a lot longer than he'd expected, and Katie also had to cancel. Never the less it was a lot of fun, even though there were only the four of us. We drank lots and lots of tea, and I got them to try the double bergamot tea I received a while ago, and also got them hooked on rooibos (redbush) tea as well. Had food and good conversation, and PreZ and Tom also geeked out and played Unreal Tournament against each other on the LAN. It was lots of fun.
And today we traded in our car for a new one as our lease had expired. Now we're the owners of a Honda Civic Hybrid. 4 doors instead of 2, which makes it a lot nicer to transport other people. This one's also an automatic rather than a manual, which makes driving a lot more relaxed. Yes the control in a manual is nice, but in stop-and-go traffic or city driving it's a pain in the ass. It's almost the same colour as the last car, but more of a blue sheen to it. Very nice. Oh yes, it comes standard with a cd player... yay! especially handy on long trips. Not that we make that many of them, but it's better than being forced to listen to the radio with no other choice. I also think they need to market that new car smell... there's just something about it.
The plan for tomorrow: to make an appointment with a doctor for a check-up, or a Q&A session at the very least. Genesis mentioned it sounded a lot like her gall bladder attack, so I really want to get some answers about what it is exactly, and see if it's a one off or something that needs treatment. If it is a gall bladder issue, then that might explain a few other gastro-intestinal issues I've had on and off for a while. But we'll see I guess.
@ 11:31 PM EST